Archive for September, 2010


September 13, 2010

In the end, it comes down to chairs.

I realized last night as I was drifting off to sleep that of all of the things in my life that my weight has affected, it has affected my ability to sit comfortably the most.

Before I go to a concert, or movie, or picnic, or restaurant, I always get a jolt of panic and anxiety regarding the chair situation. Will the chairs have arms? If so, will the seat be wide enough to fit my ass? Will the arms of the chair dig into my (more than) ample butt and hips, leaving me in discomfort and with bruises (this has happened several times before when the squeeze was especially tight)?

If the chair doesn’t have arms, will it be sturdy enough to hold the 300+ pounds that is me? Will my butt spill over the sides of the chair and into the seat of the person next to me?

I’m scared to sit in most camping chairs because I fear they won’t be able to hold me. Same with beach chairs. I’ve already written about airplane seats. Booths in restaurants are sometimes problematic if there isn’t enough space between the bench seat and the table.

I can’t sit comfortably on the ground. I can’t sit Indian-style. I can’t cross my legs.

The chair situation is deeply embarrassing. I like to pretend that other people don’t notice when I often opt to stand instead of sitting, even if there’s an empty chair right beside me. People see me standing and offer me their seat and I say something like, “Oh no thanks, I was just sitting in the car on the way here and want to stretch my legs.”

This has become completely and utterly ridiculous. I know I’ve said ENOUGH before. More times than I can count, really. But at the end of the day, I’m not able to get my shit together for more than a few months.

THIS HAS TO END. There are things I want to do, places I want to go. So many missed opportunities because of my weight. I have a lot of life left to live. I can choose to merely exist, uncomfortable in my own skin, slowly killing myself with food and a sedentary life. Or, I can suck it up over the next year or two, lose the weight, and move on with my life. I’ve got the whole “maintaining” my weight thing down pat.

Now, it’s time to get a grip on the losing part. Again.