Archive for May, 2010

I’ll be back.

May 26, 2010

Yes, I am still alive and well. I have many things I want to write about, but not enough time to do it. I have 5 more days of work before I leave for vacation, and I have A LOT to do before I go. I’ll be off for 7 days and, well, I’ve never been off from work that long. I can’t wait. I’ll be back soon!

My life list.

May 11, 2010

One of the reasons I love the Internet so much – and one of the reasons I felt compelled to begin blogging myself – is because of the amazing, inspiring people and blogs I’ve read over the years. I don’t always read them regularly, but I love when I type in a URL and see a bunch of new content on one of my favorite blogs. It’s like a mini-Christmas!

Many of the blogs I read regularly and find most enjoyable/inspiring are on the sidebar to the right. The one I want to talk about in particular today is Mighty Girl.

Maggie Mason (aka Mighty Girl) made up a ‘Mighty Life List’ of 100 things she wants to do before she goes awhile ago and has been making her way through it. I just have to say that I think Maggie is the bee’s knees and I have a huge friend crush on her. Can we be friends, Maggie?

I have been thinking about the things I want to do in my life for a long time. I think the first time I made a life list was in high school. I wish I knew where it was, so that I could compare my list then and my list now to see what has changed.

I’m going to share my life list in – almost – its entirety. There are a few things I’m leaving out because, well, they are a little TOO personal.

  1. Go kayaking
  2. Take a Zumba class
  3. Go climbing at an indoor rock wall
  4. Take a yoga class
  5. Fall in love
  6. Get married
  7. Give birth
  8. Own a dog (again)
  9. Travel to Austin, TX
  10. Travel to San Francisco, CA
  11. Travel to Charleston, SC
  12. Travel to Savannah, GA
  13. Travel to Chicago, IL
  14. Travel to Ireland
  15. Travel to Vancouver
  16. Travel to New Zealand
  17. Travel to Australia
  18. Travel to France
  19. Travel to Spain
  20. Travel to Germany
  21. Travel to Switzerland
  22. Travel to Italy
  23. Travel to the Greek Isles
  24. Go on a cruise
  25. Run a 5K (again)
  26. Run a half marathon
  27. Do a zip line in a rain forest
  28. Become conversational in a language other than English
  29. Get a massage
  30. Drive cross country
  31. Watch an animal be born
  32. Watch a baby be born
  33. Learn to sew
  34. Learn to knit or crochet
  35. Learn to change a tire
  36. Get a tattoo (again)
  37. Host a surprise party
  38. Ride a horse (again)
  39. Cut my hair short (again)
  40. Go skinny dipping (again)
  41. Be able to cross legs comfortably
  42. Be able to sit Indian-style comfortably
  43. Fly first-class
  44. Go back to York, England (where I studied abroad in college)
  45. Go to a big music festival (Coachella, SXSW, etc.)
  46. Sing in a choir
  47. Learn to play the guitar
  48. Grow a garden
  49. Make a Thanksgiving dinner
  50. Learn to ski
  51. Make a pie from scratch in my great-grandmothers pie pan
  52. Put flowers at my aunt & uncle’s grave at Arlington National Cemetery
  53. See a live taping of Saturday Night Live

The thing that makes me sad about my list  is that some of these things – for example, 39 & 40 – are very unremarkable. For most people, these are things that they do every single day with no issue and no thought. I can’t do either of them because of my weight. In fact, I don’t think I’ve EVER crossed my legs comfortably.

Same goes with the traveling. Flying gives me crazy anxiety. Not because I’m afraid to fly in a metal tube at 30,000 feet – but because I hate cramming myself into one of those tiny seats. I feel horribly uncomfortable and self-conscious and I avoid flying because of it. I want to get to the point where I don’t even have to think or worry about that.

And numbers 1-4…again, nothing too remarkable. But they are all things that I am way, way too self-conscious to do right now. Could I do them all now? Sure. But I don’t think I’d be able to really enjoy myself because I’d be too worried that my fat was flopping around or that I was grossing other people out.

I’ve read time and time again from people who’ve lost a lot of weight that that while losing weight makes life easier, but it doesn’t make it perfect. I have no illusions that as soon as I lose 100+ pounds that my life will be all rainbows and butterflies. I will still have bad days, I will still have hang-ups, and Lord knows I will still have a boatload of insecurities. But I’m looking forward to the time when my weight will no longer hold me back. Technically, yes, I know that it’s not MY WEIGHT holding me back. It’s ME holding me back.

In the meantime, I’m going to begin chipping away at my life list. What on YOUR life list?

Rules and Consequences.

May 6, 2010

I am finally back on track after a solid month of struggling. No gym, no counting points. I ate basically whatever I wanted, and how much of it I wanted. I felt crappy and grouchy and tired most of the time.

Then I realized two things:

1.) The ridiculous amount of money I was spending on food. I was going out to lunch almost every day. I was spending close to $50/week on lunches ALONE. That doesn’t take into account my daily trips through the McDonald’s drive-thru for breakfast. It was obscene.

2.) That I was going on vacation in one month. That I had one month until I had to squeeze my ass into a tiny airplane seat for a cross-country flight.

Those two things were enough to jolt me back to reality. I am happy to report that this week has been GREAT so far. I’ve counted every point, written down every morsel that has passed through my lips. I’ve drank at least a half-gallon of water every day. I am feeling amazingly energetic. It’s been easier for me to wake up in the morning and easier for me to fall asleep at night. I feel so good that I almost feel like I am high. I want to bottle this feeling so that I can inject myself with it when I’m having my not-so-motivated days.

As I’ve mentioned on here before, I have been seeing a therapist weekly since this past fall. I am not at all ashamed to say I am in therapy. I think there are lots and lots of people out there who aren’t in therapy who DESPERATELY need it. For a long time, I was one of those people. I had absolutely no one to talk to about so many things, and so food became my sounding board. My issues with food run very, very deep and my weight has impacted nearly every facet of my life, and never in a positive way. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to be successful at losing weight if I didn’t work out some of my issues at the same time.

Anyway, last week, my therapist and I decided that I needed to make some rules for myself to follow. Rules that I HAD to stick to, or else face consequences that would also be defined by me. Rules that would help me break the cycle that I had been trapped in for the past month.

Here were the rules I came up with:

1.) You cannot go more than 3 days without exercise or some kind of aerobic activity.

2.) You cannot go through a drive-thru for breakfast.

3.) You cannot take an unhealthy (i.e. candy, pastries) from the snack tray at work.

The consequence for breaking any of these rules was that I had to go to the gym, immediately after work, and work out for at least 45 minutes.

I have been 100% with Rules 2 and 3. Rule 1 has been more challenging. Because of work and other responsibilities, it has been very difficult to fit in exercise. However, I have been more active as I have been doing a lot of things around my house, including mowing the lawn, which – as lame as it sounds – TOTALLY counts an aerobic activity. I’ve taken a long walk around my neighborhood a few times. Have I been to the gym yet? No. But I think one of the problems I’ve had in the past is that I try to do everything, all at once, and if I don’t do it all perfectly, then I feel like I’ve failed. So, right now, it’s been easier for me to just focus on my eating and getting that back on track and under control before I worry too much about fitting in my exercise.

I’m determined to go weigh in on Saturday morning. The last time I weighed in was April 3. At that weigh-in, I had gained 1.8 pounds, which I think is what set me off on my month of gluttony.

I know that when I go weigh in on Saturday, I will probably weigh more than the last time I weighed in. And you know what? It is what it is. I know that I’ve had a really good week, and that I feel the momentum to continue. I’ll be looking forward to the scale falling again. In the meantime, I’m going to keep following my rules.

What are YOUR rules? Do you have consequences for yourself if you break them? I’d love to hear about it.

Still here.

May 5, 2010

I’m still here. I have a lot to write about, but I am having trouble finding the time to do it. This whole “not having Internet at home” is becoming a real drag. Although I know I would probably definitely get a whole lot LESS done if I had it as a distraction. So, for the time being, I’ll post when I can.