Having a moment.

I’m having a rough week. I have lots to do but can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I don’t feel like doing anything with friends. Work has been frustrating and stressful. I’m supposed to go out of town this weekend, and I don’t want to go. I haven’t been to the gym once, and I haven’t tracked a single WW point all week. Yesterday, I ate at McDonald’s. TWICE.

I feel gross, and tired, and apathetic about everything.

For some reason, the prevailing thoughts in my head this week have been centered around the family members I lost last summer. I don’t know why these feelings are starting to bubble up now. The anniversary of my aunt and uncle’s death isn’t until the end of June, and the anniversary of my Gigi’s death isn’t until the end of August. But suddenly, I find myself tearing up at random times (like right now) with thoughts of them. Yesterday afternoon, I had to shut my office door because I started sobbing uncontrollably. This is very, very unusual for me — I am not typically much of a crier.

I am wondering if I somehow repressed some of my feelings about their deaths because I had so much else going on at the time – a new house to work on, a huge fundraising at work to plan. But now those things are over (except for my house – I still have a bit of work left to do) and I somehow feel like I’m just starting to grieve.

I never really grieved before all of this. I lost my grandmother and great-grandfather a few months apart when I was 13, but I wasn’t very close to either of them. Plus, at 13, I don’t think I had a very firm grasp on the finality of death. I was more concerned about boys and what I was going to wear to school the next day.

Of course, in the 15 years since then, I have known other people who died. Many of them were classmates and the children of family friends who were taken too soon. And their deaths made me sad. I cried. And then I moved on.

But I just can’t seem to move on this time, especially by my aunt and uncle’s death. I am haunted by what happened to them.

I know these feelings will pass. I know I’ll snap out of this and will get back on track. I am determined that next week will be better. For now, though, I just want to get through this one.


2 Responses to “Having a moment.”

  1. Becca Says:

    I’m sorry you’re having a rough week, and I can’t even begin to think how hard it must be to deal with the death of close family members in such a sudden and tragic way.

    The grieving process is different for all of us. Take your time, cry when you need to, talk about it if you want to talk about it, and know that I am sending you a virtual interwebs hug.

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