Well, I finally did it. After over of month of trying to talk myself into it, I finally unfroze my gym membership.

I’ve written about my relationship with the gym before. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little anxious as I approached the entrance last night. I’d purposely chosen to go around 8:15 p.m., thinking that it would be less crowded. I was relieved to see that it was.

I was able to get right on an elliptical machine with no waiting. I wasn’t sure what I’d be able to do as I’ve only exercised sporadically over the past few months, although I have been more active in general than in the past. I think all the work on the house and moving and show shoveling helped keep me in good enough shape that I didn’t feel falling over after 5 minutes on the elliptical.

I have been known to push myself too hard in the past. I have worked out harder and longer than I should have considering my fitness level, and I paid for it by not being able to walk normally or lift my arms above my head for several days. So, last night, I was careful to resist the urge to overdo it.

I spent 33 minutes on the elliptical; in that time, I went 2.7 miles and burned about 310 calories. I worked up a sweat (not that it takes much to do that – I come from a long line of heavy sweaters) but felt really good – not terribly out of breath or exhausted. I’m a pretty competitive person by nature, so I always try to pick a person who is also on the elliptical machine and see if I can maintain their pace. I tried to match the girl next to me last night and did pretty well. I wanted to go at least 2.5 miles, so I hit my goal for the evening.

I feel kind of silly now that it took me this long to go and unfreeze my membership.  It’s like I forgot that not everyone who goes to the gym is some tiny, fit person. There were people there of all shapes and sizes last night, all working toward the same goal as me. I always thought that if someone saw me at the gym, they’d automatically judge me because of my weight in a negative way. And who knows, maybe some people do. But I also realized that rather than thinking of me as some fat, disgusting pig, they might admire me for coming to the gym at all. After all, I wouldn’t be there in the first place if I wasn’t trying to better myself, right?

I’m only now coming to realize, with the help of the therapist that I am seeing, that the way I see and experience most situations has been so skewed over the years because of the fact that I am almost cripplingly self-conscious. I am realizing that I’ve spent years being totally self-absorbed, constantly thinking about how other people see me and what they think. When I think about all of the energy I’ve wasted worrying what people think of me, it makes me sad. I could’ve spent that time and energy in so many positive ways. Instead, I spent it assuming that everyone saw me only as a fat girl.

I feel like I am over the funk that was consuming me last week. I know that it will likely happen again, and that that is normal. No one can be perfect or focused all the time, at least not without the help of some kind of drug. I think it’s all about anticipating situations and planning and making sure that I’m equipped to handle them. And I really think that exercising will help tremendously. It really does wonders for my mood, and I know it will do wonders for my weight loss.


2 Responses to “Unfrozen.”

  1. Jenn Says:

    I froze and unfroze my gym membership ALL of last year which is when I’d gone off my whole “routine” after working really hard the two years before that.

    I’m telling you (as you know) it’s just GETTING there that first couple of times. Once you hit the 2-3 point mark, it’s SO much easier. After that, you’ll definitely find it easier to get back into your groove! That’s when you really wonder WHY you froze it in the first place too. There have been times I’ve literally gone to the 24 hour locations just to workout super late after work and times that 24 hour location has been the LAST thing on my mind.

    I’m so glad your unfroze it! That’s super exciting.

  2. Becca Says:

    This is awesome. It sounds like you had a great workout!

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