Archive for February, 2010

The fear of dating.

February 26, 2010

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for awhile, but it’s kind of a hard one to write, so bear with me.

I may have mentioned it before, but one of the main reasons I want to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle is so that I can feel comfortable dating.

I haven’t dated anyone in a long time. To my knowledge, there are only about 3 guys who ever liked me “in that way.” Instead, I’ve always had lots of male friends; more close male friends than close female friends, actually. I saw my girlfriends cry and be miserable in their relationships. It seemed like  their relationships brought them more pain than enjoyment. I guess my constant interaction with my guy friends provided me with enough testosterone in my life that I didn’t always feel like I needed a boyfriend. Their attention and friendship was enough to sustain me even though there was never really a physical aspect to our friendships.

My only significant relationship was a dysfunctional one in college. I do think the guy, who I’ll call Lee, liked me – but he was an odd duck, and had a hard time telling me (or anyone, for that matter) how he felt. I fell fast and hard for Lee. I was truly in love with him. About a month after we met, I traveled 6+ hours with him to meet his parents. Not long after, he went on vacation with my family. Our first kiss was at night, on the beach. At the time, it was the happiest moment of my life. After that, Lee and I were together all of the time. We often joked about how we acted like a married couple.

The underlying issue with Lee was that there was not much of a physical aspect to our relationship. I chalked it up to the fact that neither of us were comfortable being the  initiator, and neither of us were terribly experienced in relationships. We kissed, but never really “made out.” This is what made our relationship so confusing to me. It felt like we were definitely more than friends, but not quite boyfriend/girlfriend.

I tend to be a very black/white person. I like to know exactly what’s going on. I like things to be well-defined. I don’t do well with gray areas. As much as I don’t like to admit it, I definitely have a Type A personality. Lee was the total opposite. He was irresponsible and didn’t pay attention to time or rules. He was brilliant, but socially awkward. He lived in a constant gray area.

But I was in love with him, so I pushed him, trying to get him to give our relationship a definition. He resisted. About 4 or so months into our “relationship” , I told him I loved him. He told me that he felt it too, but couldn’t say it. He told me he didn’t even tell his own family that he loved them. I, on the other hand, grew up in a family where we said ‘I love you’ all the time. I thought that seemed like bullshit, but I didn’t call him on it for fear that whatever was going on between us would end. By this point, I was convinced that Lee was the man I was going to marry.

When it (whatever “it” was) ended about a year later, just around graduation, I was devastated. It didn’t end well. We had a huge argument and didn’t speak for 6 months. I swore that if we were ever going to speak again, it was going to have to be him that reached out to me. I had been the one who had always tried to make it work, and I wasn’t going to do it anymore. Finally, he did call, and he apologized for his behavior. We continued to talk regularly over the next few years, but I hardly ever called him. He always called, and the fact that he needed me more than I needed him made me feel great. He admitted that I was the person who knew him best in the world. I liked that power. In the end, it took me about four years to totally get over Lee. It’s only now that I can see him (we have lots of mutual friends and see each other a few times a a year) and not feel anything.

The thing is…I know why my relationship with Lee never really got off the ground. He never said it, but I knew. He wasn’t physically attracted to me.

I tried to ignore that fact, to convince myself that it wasn’t true. But the words that my mother said to me once, when I was in my teens, always stuck with me:

“Guys don’t want to date a fat girl.”

Those words damaged me in a way I can’t begin to describe. They have rung in my ears every day since I’ve heard them. Yet, I know that those words aren’t true for all guys. I know that there are a lot of women out there who are overweight who have dated, fallen in love, and gotten married. Sometimes the guy is overweight too, sometimes not. I know that it’s within the realm of possibility that I could meet someone tomorrow and they could like me just the way I am. I think the main problem is that I have trained myself to automatically assume that no one would ever be interested in me unless they are totally desperate or have some kind of fetish.

However, I have tried to stop those thoughts and feelings. Over the past five years, I have joined and eHarmony several times. I never had an overwhelming response, which I always attributed to my weight. There were a few guys who showed an interest, but I never actually met anyone in real life. I emailed back and forth with one guy for a few months. We tried to find a time to meet up, but were both in the midst of graduate school and lived across the state from each other, and it never worked out. I think, though, that the main reason we didn’t meet was because of me. I was terrified of what he would think when he saw me. Now I had not marketed myself as a “thin” or even “average” sized girl. He had seen a fairly recent picture of me. But for some reason, I felt like by not telling him exactly how overweight I was, I was misleading him. I was afraid that he’d see me, be totally disgusted and turned off, and walk away. This is how it always played out in my head, but I never even gave it a chance to prove otherwise. In my mind, it doesn’t matter that I am nice, funny, and smart. It’s all about how I look.

As I get older and continue my lack of a serious relationship, I begin to doubt that I will ever have one, whether or not I lose weight. I know that there are many other people who are my age – both overweight and NOT overweight – and haven’t had a significant, long-term relationship. And that does make me feel slightly better, but it doesn’t change anything.

I guess what I am looking for is for someone to share their own experiences with me. Maybe you know where I’m coming from, maybe not. Maybe you’re overweight and in a great relationship. I would just like to know what other people have gone through so that I can get a realistic view, because I know full well that my view is totally skewed. Any thoughts would be sincerely appreciated.



February 24, 2010

Well, I finally did it. After over of month of trying to talk myself into it, I finally unfroze my gym membership.

I’ve written about my relationship with the gym before. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little anxious as I approached the entrance last night. I’d purposely chosen to go around 8:15 p.m., thinking that it would be less crowded. I was relieved to see that it was.

I was able to get right on an elliptical machine with no waiting. I wasn’t sure what I’d be able to do as I’ve only exercised sporadically over the past few months, although I have been more active in general than in the past. I think all the work on the house and moving and show shoveling helped keep me in good enough shape that I didn’t feel falling over after 5 minutes on the elliptical.

I have been known to push myself too hard in the past. I have worked out harder and longer than I should have considering my fitness level, and I paid for it by not being able to walk normally or lift my arms above my head for several days. So, last night, I was careful to resist the urge to overdo it.

I spent 33 minutes on the elliptical; in that time, I went 2.7 miles and burned about 310 calories. I worked up a sweat (not that it takes much to do that – I come from a long line of heavy sweaters) but felt really good – not terribly out of breath or exhausted. I’m a pretty competitive person by nature, so I always try to pick a person who is also on the elliptical machine and see if I can maintain their pace. I tried to match the girl next to me last night and did pretty well. I wanted to go at least 2.5 miles, so I hit my goal for the evening.

I feel kind of silly now that it took me this long to go and unfreeze my membership.  It’s like I forgot that not everyone who goes to the gym is some tiny, fit person. There were people there of all shapes and sizes last night, all working toward the same goal as me. I always thought that if someone saw me at the gym, they’d automatically judge me because of my weight in a negative way. And who knows, maybe some people do. But I also realized that rather than thinking of me as some fat, disgusting pig, they might admire me for coming to the gym at all. After all, I wouldn’t be there in the first place if I wasn’t trying to better myself, right?

I’m only now coming to realize, with the help of the therapist that I am seeing, that the way I see and experience most situations has been so skewed over the years because of the fact that I am almost cripplingly self-conscious. I am realizing that I’ve spent years being totally self-absorbed, constantly thinking about how other people see me and what they think. When I think about all of the energy I’ve wasted worrying what people think of me, it makes me sad. I could’ve spent that time and energy in so many positive ways. Instead, I spent it assuming that everyone saw me only as a fat girl.

I feel like I am over the funk that was consuming me last week. I know that it will likely happen again, and that that is normal. No one can be perfect or focused all the time, at least not without the help of some kind of drug. I think it’s all about anticipating situations and planning and making sure that I’m equipped to handle them. And I really think that exercising will help tremendously. It really does wonders for my mood, and I know it will do wonders for my weight loss.

I think I might be back.

February 22, 2010

I was not feeling at all like myself last week. I used that as an excuse for why I could eat a bunch of crap. I was generally grouchy and unpleasant, so I tried to keep a low profile this weekend. I had a fairly major freak out on Saturday night as well as a good ol’ cry (it had been a LONG time since I’d had one of those). When I woke up Sunday morning, I still felt a little out of sorts, but better. I decided that there was no choice for me but to get back on track. My body might have wanted me to continue eating terrible foods, but my mind was determined to keep fighting the good fight. I realized that I needed to get out of my own way and just do this thing. Time’s a-wastin’!

So yesterday morning, I chopped a bunch of celery into sticks and put them in individual baggies to take  to work. I have a major complex about wasting food, and that celery had been sitting in the crisper drawer for about 2 weeks, so I wanted to make sure it got eaten before it went bad. Then I pored over a couple of  different cookbooks and perused some blogs, looking for simple recipes that I could make and keep in the fridge/freezer to eat throughout the week. Soups work particularly well for me, so I decided to make Krissie’s pork and bean stew as well as a WW recipe for a soup with beans, spinach, tomatoes, and andouille sausage. I went to the store, bought everything I needed for the week. I did make the mistake of going to the store without eating first, but I resisted the baked goods and bags of Oreos and managed to wait until I got back home to eat something.

Last night, I made the pork and bean stew. It was really easy to make, which is key for me since my cooking level is pretty basic. I divided the whole pot evenly between 4 containers and the little bit that was left for dinner. It was delicious! I did add some celery to mine, which wasn’t included in Krissie’s recipe, but I had some celery hearts/leaves left and didn’t want to throw them out. I figured that more veggies couldn’t hurt!

Needless to say, I didn’t go weigh in on Saturday morning. I felt sure that my overindulgence would have resulted in a gain, and I wasn’t sure that I could handle seeing that. This coming Saturday, though, it’s on. No excuses.

I’m feeling really good today. My energy level is through the roof – not sure why, but I like it! I’ve been really productive this morning, which is often a struggle for me, especially on a Monday. I’m determined to get back to the gym this week. I know it will only speed up the weight loss, so I need to get over myself and just do it.

Hope y’all had a good weekend and that your week is off to a good start!

A rough patch.

February 19, 2010

I haven’t had a very good week when it comes to food.

I am disgusted with myself and the choices I’ve made. I don’t really know why, but I have fallen off the horse and I’m having a hell of time figuring out how to get back on. Every day this week, I awoke with the best intentions. To eat right, to get to the gym. I think Monday was the only day I was able to keep it together. By Tuesday, I’d given up. I know I’ve been making bad choices and falling into old habits, but I feel like I can’t stop myself. I feel like I’m hanging on the edge of a cliff, trying desperately to hold on. I haven’t dropped yet, but I can’t seem to pull myself back up, either. So I just keep hanging there, helplessly.

Yes, there is stress at work, but I don’t feel like that’s what causing this. I have a feeling PMS and funky hormones and biology is doing this. I have been SO hungry, and I have been craving terrible things. I’m mad at my body. I had been feeling so good, so strong, so proud of my ability to say “no,” to not give into my cravings. And then this week, it all fell apart.

I want to capture the feeling I had in those first few weeks. I am trying hard to figure out how I can do that. I want to re-focus, get back on the horse, and continue working toward my goal. I hate feeling like this, and I hate that I have seemingly no control over it.

On being a chubby kid.

February 17, 2010

I was at lunch today with a group of ladies from work and the topic of Lent came up. In the past, I’ve tried to give up chocolate, or fast food, but never made it the whole 40 days. But it seems like most people in the blogosphere are “doing” Lent this year, so I’m going to follow suit. I’m not going to eat red meat for 40 days. In all honesty, isn’t some kind of major sacrifice for me. I don’t love red meat anyway, and I don’t currently eat it all that often. I really just want to see if I can do it.

Anyway, this post really isn’t about Lent.

Today when we were at lunch, and one of the ladies (who I’ll call Ann) mentioned about how she told her 6 year old daughter (who I’ll call Sophie) that she had to give up junk food for Lent. Ann then described how they both got on the scale this morning to weigh themselves, and that Sophie didn’t want Ann to know how much she weighed. Ann told her to write the number down on a piece of paper and keep it in a safe place so that once Lent was over, she could see if she lost weight.

Remember…this little girl is 6 years old.

Now, I have seen Sophie several times when Ann has brought her into work. She is adorable. And yes, she is a little on the chubby side. But a lot of little girls and boys that age are. I know that childhood obesity is a major issue in this country, and that makes me sad. And maybe if fresh, unprocessed foods weren’t so damn expensive, it wouldn’t be such a problem. Clearly, I have a lot to say about on that topic…but I’ll save it for another day.

Based on my description of Ann and Sophie’s relationship, you might think that Ann is thin and might be scared by the fact that her daughter is not, even at such a young age.

But Ann is not thin – not by a long shot. I am sure that Ann weighs well over 200 pounds. She recently had another baby, and while she was pregnant, she actually LOST weight (doctor’s orders). As I sat and listened to the conversation today, I realized that Ann is dealing with one of my major fears about having kids.

I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t thought about what I would do if, when I have kids, one of them gets a little chubby. I’ve actually thought about whether or not I even want kids because I’m afraid that they might be genetically predisposed to be overweight. I know that sounds so ridiculous, because there certainly are things that are much, much worse in life than being overweight. But I also know first-hand the hardships and the disappointments that come with being overweight, and I can’t imagine what it would be like to see my child (or children) go through that.

As Ann talked about how much Sophie likes to eat, how she eats when she’s bored, how she never seems to be full – a strange feeling came over me. I felt like she could have been talking about me as a little girl. As an infant, my mom told me that my appetite was almost insatiable. I would cry and cry, she would feed me, and I would still cry. It wasn’t until she KEPT feeding me that I stopped crying. She thought that infants weren’t supposed to eat as much as I was eating.

Growing up, I had a big appetite. I especially liked junk food, much like Sophie. But I ate an otherwise well-balanced diet, and I was more active than most of today’s kids are. I think I was always in a higher percentile for height and weight, and I was always slightly bigger than most of my female (and male) classmates. I don’t remember exactly when I realized that I was bigger than other kids. I don’t remember when the teasing started, or I became self-conscious. But I am guessing that, even as a 6 year old, Sophie has already experienced those things. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be trying to hide her weight from her mother. That was clearly done out of shame. It breaks my heart.

I wanted to say something during that conversation, to add some kind of insight, or give Ann some kind of advice. But then I realized that if I did tell Ann that I was the same way as a little girl, it wouldn’t make her feel any better. She’d probably look at me and think, “And look at you now. You’re still overweight as an adult.” And who knows? Ann may have always been overweight, too. Her experiences might be very similar to mine. I know that any advice or insight I gave would have been perceived in a completely different light if I was thin or average sized now; it probably would have made Ann feel a lot better. Unfortunately, I’m not.

I don’t even know that what I’ve written makes sense or accurately captures how I felt today. But I felt like I needed to write it down. I still have a lot of thoughts flowing through my head about the whole situation. Maybe I’ll write about it again sometime.

Today, though, I’m just sad for Sophie.

Here comes the bride(smaid).

February 17, 2010

I was really nervous about going to try on bridesmaid dresses last night. I have only been in one wedding before, and that bride was so low-maintenance that she simply told us to go and buy a long black dress. So, going into last night, I had no idea what to expect and I hate to walk into a situation blindly. My main concern is that they wouldn’t have sample dresses in a size to fit me.

As I arrived in the parking lot, I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that this was not about me, it was about the bride and what she wanted. I had gotten stuck in traffic and ended up getting to the bridal salon a bit late, but the bride, her sister (the MoH), and their mom were already there and had already pulled some dresses for us to try on.

As soon as I saw that there were dress samples in plus sizes, I relaxed a bit. But I was still afraid of sizing because I’ve heard that bridesmaid dresses often run up to 2 or 3 sizes small. I normally wear a 26/28 in tops and a 28 in pants (although everything I own in those sizes are getting a bit loose). The first dress I tried on was a 24, which fit surprisingly well. Another dress I tried on was a 22 (that was was fairly tight) and one was a 20 (didn’t even zip up). The most exciting part for me was when I tried on a dress in a 28 and it was HUGE on me. Like, so big that they had to get those clips to make it fit my body. I can’t tell you the last time any article of clothing was that big on me. It felt wonderful.

Then the bride saw a shorter dress that she liked. I went into panic mode. I am super self-conscious about my legs – I have been for most of my life. The LAST thing I wanted was to wear a short dress. A strapless dress? I could deal with it. But not short. NO WAY.

Luckily, she decided that a short bridesmaid dresses wouldn’t look right with her wedding gown. I agreed with her, of course. Crisis averted!

There were a few new dress styles that they didn’t have a plus size sample dress for. Luckily, the maid of honor (the bride’s sister) is teeny tiny, so she could fit in the samples.

The bride decided on a color and a dress surprisingly quickly. Want to see it?!

The picture above shows the actual color of our dresses. It’s called ‘Spice’ and I think it will look good on all of the bridesmaids. Here’s a close-up (in a different color):

I actually really, really like the dress even though I didn’t get to try it on. I never thought I would be OK with wearing something strapless, but it was surprisingly comfortable. I had resigned myself awhile ago to the fact that I wasn’t going to get to wear some kind of wrap at a wedding on July 3, so strapless it is. I’m just going to have to be confident.

When it came time to take measurements and order a size, I measured right between a 26 and a 28. Obviously, I am working hard (although I have hit a few speed bumps) to lose weight for the wedding. So, I figured that I’d order the 26. All I can hope is that it’ll be too big closer to the wedding and I’ll have to have it altered. I thought about ordering a 24 as motivation but it made me too nervous. After all, it’s a whole lot easier to take a dress in than out.

Overall, I’m relieved about how it all turned out. As we were leaving I expressed my relief to the bride. She couldn’t understand why I had been nervous. I told her that I’m not used to walking into a store that isn’t Lane Bryant and having things fit me or be too big on me.

I’m hoping it’s a feeling that I’ll learn to get used to.

Fastnacht Day.

February 16, 2010

Today is Fastnacht Day, which I only recently realized is not celebrated everywhere. But we definitely celebrate it in Pennsylvania Dutch country, where we love our fried foods something fierce. It’s a big day around these parts, and almost every grocery store sells them. It’s not unusual to see signs crop up in people’s front yards advertising a dozen freshly-made fastnachts for around $4.

Fastnacht Day is celebrated on Shrove Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday, when Lent officially starts. Fastnachts are basically donuts (sometimes triangle-shaped instead of round) and are made as a way to empty the pantry of lard, sugar, fat, and butter, which were traditionally fasted from during Lent.

Anyway…every year on Fastnacht Day, we get a giant box of donuts (not real fastnachts) at work for the staff. Donuts are not something that I typically crave. They’re good in the same way anything that is doughy and fried and covered in sugar is good, but I don’t normally dream about them.

I had prepared myself for today. I told myself that I could eat one donut, and that would be it. This is a pretty big achievement for me. I remember in the fall, when one of our employees was leaving, we got a huge box of donuts for her send-off party. I ate one, and it was good. So I ate another. And another. I think I ate 4 donuts that day.

I’ve always had a hard time stopping myself once I start. It’s much easier for me not to start at all. And today is no exception. I ate my donut, and I immediately felt the desire to go grab another one.

But I didn’t. SUCCESS!

I realized that throughout the rest of my life there are going to be lots of proverbial boxes of donuts along my path, and that it’s OK to have one occasionally. And I know that it might always be harder for me to remain in control around those foods than the average person.

Slowly, I’m learning to be OK with less. It’s hard, and it’s uncomfortable for me. But it’s what I have to do.

Weighing in.

February 15, 2010

I got up bright and early on Saturday morning so I could go weigh in at WW. I hadn’t weighed in the week before because we were in the midst of blizzard #1. I was a little nervous about stepping on the scale because of my birthday over-indulgences and a few other missteps I had last week. I was hoping that hours of snow shoveling would be enough to save me from a gain.

I lost 3.2 over the last two weeks. I was pretty happy with that, even if it meant only a 1.6 pound average loss for the past two weeks. That takes me to an official loss of 16 pounds in 6 weeks – an average of 2.6 pounds a week.

I can really tell, too. I can’t imagine anyone else has noticed…but that’s OK. When I get out of the shower and take a look, I can see a difference. And if anyone else saw me sans clothes, they would probably be able to tell, too. But no one is seeing me sans clothes – at least not yet!

I really need to step up my game, though. I’m settling into that period where I become slightly less vigilant than I was in the beginning. I didn’t track anything I ate this weekend. I had friends in from out of town and, all things considered, I feel like I did pretty well. I’m back to tracking today.

When it came time for lunch today I was STARVING. I knew I wanted Subway, but I felt like a 6-in. wasn’t going to cut it. I normally never get a foot-long, but decided today was the day. I got a turkey on wheat – no cheese, lots of veggies, and the FF honey mustard sauce. I told myself that I’d stop after the first half and evaluate how hungry I was. Instead, I just plowed right through to the second half.

Now I’m full. And sleepy. The sub was 12 points total – not bad when you consider that a 6-in. tuna sub without cheese is 12 points. But it was too much. I let myself get too hungry, and this is what happened. It certainly could have been worse…but now I’m in a self-induced food coma.

In other news, I made The Pioneer Woman’s restaurant-style salsa this weekend. OMG. It was so, so good and really easy to make (after I figured out how to use the food processor I had borrowed from my mom). If you are a salsa fan, you need to make it ASAP.

I’m going to go try on bridesmaid dresses tomorrow (eek!) since blizzard #2 made us cancel our appointment last Tuesday. I’m just going to go in and do it, try to be confident and not make a big deal about it. Check back on Wednesday for a re-cap!


February 12, 2010

I like snow, but this is getting ridiculous. Since Saturday 2/6, we have received FORTY-SEVEN INCHES of snow. It is everywhere. Work was cancelled on Wednesday (which NEVER happens) and I had to take off yesterday because my street wasn’t plowed until 10:30 a.m.

I am really not complaining because the weather has afforded me the chance to spend a lot of time inside my house, putting things away, doing laundry, and other general nesting activities. I’ve ventured out once or twice a day to shovel my driveway – I figure that since I can’t get to the gym, shoveling 20+ inches of snow is pretty good cardio.

The fact that I currently only have a radio as a form of entertainment is starting to drive me a little batty. I’m not a huge TV watcher, but I like it as background noise. Having no TV or no Internet during these blizzards has been challenging. Not eating everything in my house has also been challenging.

I’ve done well when you consider that I didn’t go buy ice cream or cookies before the second storm hit on Tuesday. I knew that if I did, they’d be gone that night. So, in that respect, I am proud of myself.

But I didn’t really track what I ate. I *think* I managed to stay within my points, but I’m not sure. It could’ve been a lot worse, but it definitely wasn’t great. I’m a bit nervous about weighing in tomorrow morning. I’d like to hope that between moving last week and all of the shoveling this week that it was enough to offset any extra calorie intake, but I’m not sure.

I know this has been a really odd week for people all over the East Coast – not just me. People are feeling claustrophobic in their own homes and no one seems to know what to do with themselves because of the snow. I’ve heard we could get another storm on Monday. I really hope we don’t. I need to get back on a regular schedule.

In another news, I’m having an impromptu get-together with my college friends this weekend. When we get together there are usually copious amounts of food – and it’s not always healthy. I’m going to do my best to make sure I make good choices. I’m going to try to make The Pioneer Woman’s Restaurant Style Salsa because I’ve been dreaming about it ever since she posted it.

Hope ya’ll are staying warm and having a good week!

Off the deep end.

February 9, 2010

Oh boy, did I really go off the deep end yesterday. I am ashamed to say that it got worse after my lunch time trip to CVS. I won’t go into the details but will say that it involved a drive-thru. And ice cream. Oy vey!

Using my birthday as an excuse was a mistake. I was only fooling myself. But, I will give myself a pass for yesterday and move on. I’m back on track today, and I will stay on track. I will weigh in on Saturday morning and the number will be down from last time, so help me God!

Moving has left me feeling really disoriented and just plain off in general. That may be some of the reason I’ve been struggling. I kind of feel like I am living in a stranger’s house. Don’t get me wrong – I love my house, and I am thrilled to be living there. But I’m not the type of person who can deal with a lot of boxes and clutter sitting around. I hate not knowing where everything is. My kitchen is still a work zone, so I haven’t unpacked any dishes or cups or anything yet. That is my goal for the rest of the week – get the kitchen to be functional enough so that I can’t use it as an excuse for why I can’t cook. My stove works. My refrigerator is back in my house. I have a microwave to use temporarily until my new one gets installed. I’m going to the grocery store today after work to stock up on necessities. Then, I’ll be all set and will have no excuse NOT to cook for myself.

The good thing is that I will most likely NOT be working tomorrow. We’re supposed to get another 12″-18″ of snow (that will be  a grand total of about 3.5 FEET!). I work for a home health/hospice agency and we hardly ever close due to bad weather, but I’m thinking that tomorrow might be my lucky day. If we don’t close, and the roads are bad, I’m going to take the day off anyway. I will not risk my life to drive 30+ miles for work. It’s just not worth it! So, hopefully, tomorrow I’ll be able to work on putting my kitchen together as much as possible and getting more stuff done around the house. Maybe then I’ll feel a little more at home.

I was supposed to go to Harrisburg tonight to try on bridesmaid dresses with my friend and her sister (the maid of honor). With the snow coming, I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I can’t say I am upset that we’ll have to reschedule the appointment. I can tell I’ve lost weight, but losing 15+ pounds when you have over 150 pounds to lose makes it hard for anyone else to tell. I can feel a slight difference in how my clothes fit, but I’m not quite ready to move down to a smaller size. Going and trying on dresses is a scary thought. I have read that bridesmaid dresses often run small, and that girls who normally wear a 10 or 12 have to buy a 14 or 16 dress for it to fit.  I don’t want to go there and not be able to fit into the largest size they carry. And how will I know what size to order so that the dress will fit me and look right after I lose (hopefully) 50+ pounds in the next 5 months? It’s stressing me out just thinking about it. I need to cross that bridge when I get there.