Anxious.

I’ve been doing really well. Counting my points, moving more, drinking lots of water. I went and weighed in at Weight Watchers yesterday morning. I had gained 13 pounds since the last time I was there at the end of August. Not at my highest weight ever, but perilously close.

The thing that gets me every time is that even after I lose 100 pounds, I will still be significantly overweight. I will still have 60 pounds to lose until I get to my goal. And then another 20 pounds to lose to get to my high school cross country weight.

It’s overwhelming to think about how much I have to lose. Almost 200 pounds. I can’t even picture myself with 50 pounds off, much less 100 or 150. I am afraid that people won’t recognize me or that people will suddenly think it’s OK to say something about how fat I was at my highest weight. I’ve lived the last 10 years with a guard up to keep myself from hearing what people say or seeing their looks.

Will I always feel like a fat person, even when I’m not?

I have a doctor’s appointment on February 2. I’m going to reschedule it. When I saw this doctor back in June, just days after my aunt and uncle died, she gave me the name of the hospital-affiliated weight loss program and told me to call them. I said I would. I didn’t.

I can’t bring myself to go back there heavier than when I saw her in June. So I’m going to try to reschedule for mid-April. I figure that by then, I should be down a decent amount and will feel less anxious about my appointment.

For as long as I can remember, doctor’s appointments have always been a source of anxiety for me, because I knew my weight will be brought up. I always felt guilty and judged by them, as if a doctor telling me I needed to lose weight was enough of a reason to do it. The thing I don’t think my doctors understand that you don’t let yourself get to this weight without some kind of underlying issue. It’s more than just a lack of self-control for me. It’s an eating disorder. It’s an inability to eat normally. It’s a compulsion, and it has been for most of my life. But I’m working through it now and have a feeling that this time, I really am going to be successful. I would love to be praised for my weight loss at my next doctor’s appointment rather than chastised.

In other news…I am going on vacation to WA at the beginning of June. Exactly a month before my friend’s wedding. Flying has also long been a source of anxiety for me. I get nervous if the seat belt is going to close (it hasn’t the last few times I’ve flown) and worry about spilling over into my neighbor’s seat. I feel bad for the person who sits next to me, knowing they must feel like they drew the short straw by having to sit next to the fat person.

But by June, I should be weighing less, and maybe it will be more comfortable for me to fly. My anxiety about being on an airplane with my parents, grandparents, and cousin? Now that’s another story. Not because I don’t want to fly with them, but because if something would happen to that airplane…enough said.

I feel neurotic. I wonder if I should be on some kind of anti-anxiety medicine to take the edge off. Sometimes the anxiety is almost paralyzing. Who knows…maybe that will go away once I lose weight too. I think that losing weight is going to change almost everything.

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