Understanding addiction.

I’ve always known my eating habits were compulsive and abnormal. However, I’ve come to fully realize in the last few days that I need to treat this lifestyle change like a drug addict or alcoholic would. I need rehab. I suddenly have an acute understanding of what it must feel like for an addict going through treatment…because I am an addict going through treatment.

I guess the thing that makes a food addiction tough to deal with is that we HAVE to eat. People can choose not to drink alcohol or go to bars or hang out with their friends who use drugs. I have to eat. And I am constantly haunted by those food items that used to be my go to…the chocolate, the candy…whatever I could get my hands on.

There may be a time in the future when I can learn to enjoy those foods again in a responsible way. But right now, I feel like eating even a single Hershey kiss would send me off the deep end. In my mind, if one piece is good, 25 is better. I have an almost impossible time stopping myself from bingeing if I even have one. For me, it has always been about quantity versus quality. I’ve eaten large amounts of food that didn’t even taste very good simply because it was there.

I understand how addicts must live in an almost constant fear of a relapse. They are often inevitable, and I feel the same way. But I don’t WANT to relapse. I’ve relapsed a hundred times – probably more than that – and was never able to fully get myself back on track. That’s why I’m here now, 27 years old, well over 300 pounds.

I’ve been totally on track for three days now – and officially counting my points for two days. I haven’t eaten chocolate in two days. I know that I can’t eat it right now. I’m scared to. It’s been a really long time since I’ve gone two days without cheating on a “diet.” I hate to use the “d” word but I don’t know what else to call it. Even when I was on Weight Watchers previously, I cheated. I ate crap without writing it down. I still lost weight, but it didn’t feel as good as it could have. I don’t want to cheat this time. The fear that I will is constant and it makes me anxious. And that anxiety, in the past, has led to a whole lot of compulsive eating behavior.

I am an addict. I will always be. I need to treat this like rehab. I am seeking therapy, I am keeping a food journal. I am weighing in on Saturday morning, although I am scared to know how much I have gained since I last weighed in in late August. It’s not going to be pretty, but I need to face the fear. I may very well be at my highest weight. But at least the scale will be heading in the right direction from now on.

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